It’s time, it’s time, it’s time.
That’s been ringing in my head for a few months now. But my heart took a minute to catch up.
When I was 16 I met a fella who’d just come out of prison, for my young dumb self that was cool and exciting. The fact my mum and dad would hate the fucker made him even more attractive. And so began a couple of years of hell. He was abusive, stupid and mean.At 18 I was pregnant and I married him, because that’s what you did back then. The day we married I gave myself a year to escape. I was a bit dissapointed in myself when it took one year and a day before a judge ruled he had to leave the house.
In the time we were together I honestly thought he’d kill me one day.On the rare occasion I reached out for help by the police he managed to convince them I was a lying nutter. I truly believed that that was my life, I was never going to get out and then I’d be dead and my baby girl would have no mother. But I have this fire in me belly that refuses to go out, it keeps me warm even when my brain is cold.
I escaped.
I met a new fella ( he lived over the road and we started seeing each other in the midst of trying to get the husband out of the house, I liked to keep my life as messy as possible back then). I knew I was gay but I was scared and he was lovely. Easy, funny, predictable. We had children. I was a wife, we watched telly, went to the same place on holiday every year and I got numb. escaped the boredom and my brain by going out at weekends getting as drunk as possible.
Then my dad died, it was a wake up. I looked around and left my fella to live as a gay woman, only in the middle of all that I met a fella who made my cunt burn, for the first time I felt raging passion and desire for a man.
So I traded the old one for a new one. Same life different man.
We had big passion, volotility, family, fun, arguments and we mostly went out together. I sometimes went out without him but that was preceded by arguments and followed up by more. We also had another child, so now I was mum of 4.
Then my mum died, it was another wake up. I got brave and told myself now it’s time.
I left.
I was in a new town, with a new lover. A woman. It was awful, we were so wrong for each other. I’d brought the old me with me and all the old ‘stuff’, she had ‘stuff’ of her own. Together we made some seriously yucky ‘stuff’. We split. I took a long hard look at myself, dug right in and emerged the other side able to look myself in the eye and like the person I made.
Had some lovers
And then I fell in love with Wend.
We had some money, we bought a hair salon. We had no idea what we were doing and it soon went tits up. We stuck it out together, payed off the debts. In the middle of that she taught me how to do stained glass and I started to create.
I had something just for me, not escaping, not all about whichever lover I was with or worrying about my kids, what people thought, what I should be doing. Just me, my brain and my heart. Out of that begining Junkitlove was born.
I finally had a place that was purely about me and I held it so tightly to my heart, loved it, nurtured it and grew it. So hard that all the other things I want to do in my life didn’t get breathing space cos I’d trapped myself in the idea that I had to be one thing alone, Junkitlove.
I need more, I’ve ‘met’ some amazing women whilst I’ve been creating, customers who buy my Goddesses, women who’ve become my friends. I’ve found a freedom in allowing myself dreams and sharing, encouraging and hearing about other women’s dreams and lives. I’m hungry to be a pupil and a teacher for want of better words. Time to hone the skill of writing so I don’t wince with ‘oh you simple worded twonk’ every time I read back what I’ve written, I want to give myself the time to love how I write in the same way I gave myself the time to go from clumsy creating, through a self imposed apprenticeship and onto selling when I was satisfied with myself. I want to help, enable, whatever you wanna call it, I want to learn well how best to do that before stumbling in feet first and doing that Catherine Tate character thing of saying ‘I can do that’ just because I’ve read 1 self help book.
I don’t know where exactly I’m going from here and I’m cool with that. I’m enjoying standing on the edge of a cliff and not knowing., ready to leap!
So yeh, this is goodbye JUNKITLOVE, hello Donna Carter who creates and sells and plays and makes. Encourages and shares. Dreams and flies.
WHOOP
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XXX
